[thunda]

Greetings to all current and soon to be Federation citizens. Trooper Pouthmiece back again with the latest Federation news.




Breaking News; Search ships sifted through the wreckage of the Liberator and managed to find the bodies of Servalan’s crew but found no trace of the President.



File: Rescue



Teams searching the planet Terminal discovered the remains of the alien criminal Cally “Coldheart” killed in what appeared to be an explosion most likely set by one of her companions (no honor among thieves).

Long range scanners identified a freight ship Scorpio registered to an individual named Dorian leaving the planet. Federation files on Dorian go back over two hundred years (that can’t be possible. Have to tell tech guys to check that) He’s wanted for questioning in the disappearance of several people including his partner. Recently he’s been known to keep company with a female gun for hire named Soolin (not sure if that’s her first or last name).Reports say he worked with Professor Ensor over forty years ago (again, have to check that) and picked up several times intoxicated ranting about horrors and monsters living in caves.






Ask Trooper Pouthmiece:

This week’s question is from the planet Tarsius. Sel wants to know, “what is the strongest metal?” Herculanium. Strongest known metal in the universe.


This has been trooper Pouthmiece.
From strength to unity.
_________________
"Women, food, and inflicting pain -- in no particular order."
- The Fifth Legion

[thunda]

Greetings to all current and soon to be Federation citizens. Trooper Pouthmiece back again with the latest Federation news.




Breaking News; Search for Scorpio continues



File: Power

Well, I did some further checking into that Dorian bloke, turns out he would travel to Onus Two telling tales about the planet he was on being inhabited by gorgeous single women (point ne in the right direction). He claimed to have a deal with them, bringing nutrients in exchange for technical assistance with tele-ergonomics (huh?) . But according to him the world also had a tribe of barbaric males and the sides were at war (battle of the sexes? Ridiculous. Bloody nutter). And, get this, the females had the greater technology plus telekinesis but were losing. The captives were forced to bear children with the daughters left to die (wait, that doesn’t make sense. Won’t the males eventually die out?). Sooner we find this planet the sooner we can put it under Federation control.





Ask Trooper Pouthmiece:

This week’s question is from Rol of planet Earth. Rol wants to know why are my shows becoming so infrequent. Well, Rol, as a Federation trooper I’m on call twenty five hours a day. Sometimes business gets in the way of pleasure. I’ll try to do better, Rol, and thanks for the question.


This has been trooper Pouthmiece.
_________________
"Women, food, and inflicting pain -- in no particular order."
- The Fifth Legion

[thunda]

Greetings to all current and soon to be Federation citizens. Trooper Pouthmiece here again with the latest Federation news.




Breaking News; Helotrix Regent assassinated.



File: Traitor

Planet Helotrix in sector 4 is one of the oldest Earth colonies and one of the first to be granted independence had voted to rejoin the empire weeks ago (way to go guys) but apparently there were some sore losers. Insurgents led by the terrorist calling himself Star Major Hunda, former assistant professor at Leedenbrank (funny how these civilians give themselves impressive military ranks) is believed to be responsible for the murder of President elect Practor. His excellency was found in his quarters dead from a plasma blast wound.
The Helots, who are known for being marvelous fighters, especially at close quarters (nearly on a level with Federation troopers), have been waging a winning battle against extremists who have been attempting to destabilize the legitimate government. Commissioner Sleer, creator of the pacification program, which is helping the new administration adjust during the transition period, is in charge of the investigation.

Planetary sensors indicated that the Scorpio was in orbit after Orac was thwarted from hacking into Federation military computers. Two of Avon’s gang were also spotted on the planet and believed to have given aid to the rabble.


On another sad note, it’s with deep regret we announce the passing of Doctor Forbus. The good doctor finally succumbed to a rare genetic disease he had been battling for years was found in his laboratory. Doctor Forbus was a renowned chemist working on Helotrix to provide its inhabitants with better lives. Dr. Forbus and President elect Practor will both be missed.







Ask Trooper Pouthmiece:

This week’s question is from Tavid from planet Zondawl; “what happened to the guests for this season you told us about?” We’ll have a guest on our next show, Tavid. Thanks for writing.


This has been trooper Pouthmiece.
From strength to unity.
_________________
"Women, food, and inflicting pain -- in no particular order."
- The Fifth Legion

[thunda]

Greetings to all current and soon to be Federation citizens. Trooper Pouthmiece here again with the latest Federation news.




Breaking News; Former head of Federation Space Drive Center believed dead


File: Stardrive

We’ll get to the breaking news in a moment but first we have a special guest on today’s show.
Thank you for taking the time to join us, ex-citizen Bigg.



Brigg


Pardon?

Name, Brigg


Okay, ex-citizen Brigg, welcome to the show. Let me apologize for the manacles but Federation rules are specific about prisoners and we have expensive equipment here. So, you’re a member of the gang, Space Cats

Space Rats


Oh, Space Rats. That sounds much more impressive. Just how did your gang get the name Space Rats?

Speed. Rats need speed. Space needs rats. Been like that for centuries.


That doesn’t make any ... okay, let’s move on. What made you want to become a Space rat?

Sex, violence, booze, speed.



And what’s it like to be in the Space Rats?

Sex, violence, booze, speed.


Have you ever seen a crimino therapist?

Seen plenty.


So let’s get to business. We’re hoping you can shed some light on this Stardrive case. Federation Interceptors detected the disabled Scorpio which had attempted to sneak into the Altern system using an asteroid for cover (that’s insane). After relaying the information our ships then exploded. I assume your group had something to do with that.

Ha ha. Space Rat cycles go bang. Federation ships go splat. Ha ha ha.


Yes, very funny (bloody nutter). Our scientists estimate your craft attained speeds of Time Distort twelve. Impressive. How did you manage that?

Speed doctor make our choppers fast. Space choppers make Federation ships go splat.


Dr. Plaxton, disappeared 3 years ago. Intelligence tracked her to Caspar. From what I understand the Space Rats are based on Caspar Sector five. Was she your speed doctor?

Speed doctor make our choppers fast. Space choppers make Federation ships go splat.


The Space Rats are wanted for multiple thefts on a dozen worlds. Our theory is that your Space Rats were stealing raw materials for a prototype photonic space drive. Then forced Dr. Plaxton to build it. Is that correct?

Speed doctor make our choppers fast. Space choppers make Federation ships go splat.


The Federation’s most brilliant head of the Federation space drive research center designer and you used her to trick out your space choppers. Is that the best you could come up with?

Speed doctor make our choppers fast. Space choppers make Federation ships go splat. Sex, violence, booze, speed.



(Bloody nutter) The remains of technician Napier, Dr. Plaxton’s assistant was discovered on the planet. Did the Space Rats have anything to do with that?

Old gook deprive Space Rats of speed. We bend, he break.


Our reports state that the body of your leader, a Federation outlaw named Atlan, along with corpses of several strangely garbed individuals was also found.

Atlan, Bomber, Johns, hunt gooks. Go splat.


Our understanding is that Dr. Plaxton was kidnapped by a man called Avon and his group, forced to upgrade their engines and later disposed of.

Fragging gooks take speed doctor. Atlan, Bomber, Johns, hunt gooks. Go splat.


And without her to maintain your vehicles you were just another gang. Looks like that’s all the time we have. Thank you for stopping by ex-citizen Brigg. These troopers will escort you to the shuttle that will take you to Cygnus Alpha.

Gook.















Ask Trooper Pouthmiece:

This week’s question is from Klun of Palmero (they grow excellent fruit) which fits in with today’s show. Klun wants to know what a space chopper is. A space chopper is a single seat leisure vehicles capable of space travel. They were outlawed two centuries ago and now the only legal ones reside in the transport museum. Thanks for the question.


This has been trooper Pouthmiece.
From strength to unity.
_________________
"Women, food, and inflicting pain -- in no particular order."
- The Fifth Legion

[thunda]

Greetings to all current and soon to be Federation citizens. Trooper Pouthmiece here again with the latest news.


Hey everyone, I’m finally back. You’re probably wondering what took so long for this show, while I can’t be specific I will say I’m doing some investigative reporting which I’ll expand on at a later date.

Breaking News; Renegade scientist doing unlawful genetic experiments

Federation rules prohibit me from drinking on duty but after this show I’m drowning myself in some soma. And believe me it’s going to take a lot to forget this mess. Not sure where to start with this stinker. Okay, let’s try the beginning. This information was gathered from various Federation reports.


File: Animals

A Federation pursuit unit detected a unidentified planet hopper hoovering above the planet Bucol Two. When a typical stand and be search order was refused the unit opened fire. Although damage was inflicted the planet hopper proved to be more than an ordinary cargo ship as it accelerated at time distort twelve out distancing the pursuit ships. Commissioner Sleer received the report and opened an investigation.

It was uncovered that Bucol Two was home to a top secret Federation project during the Andromedan war that was attempting to discover a way to combat and ultimately neutralize radioactive contamination by genetically strengthening the immune system. Chief scientist was a doctor named Justin Moreau (l believe that’s his last name). The project was shut down when it was discovered Justin was experimenting on Federation soldiers (the son of a b@#$h). So he deserted and turned full blown mad scientist (and soma-holic). It gets weirder.
Turns out Dayna Mellanby had a relationship with Justin so Avon sent her in an attempt to recruit him. Avon and his crew believed Justin’s work might be useful for when they went into radioactive areas (although why they would go into radioactive areas is beyond me). So on the planet of Doctor Moreau he had a lab where he was experimenting with animals trying to turn them into humans. (Are we not men?) For reasons unknown Dayna left the laboratory and tried to pet one of the experiments and was promptly attacked. Commissioner Sleer arrived just in time to save Dayna and gave her proper medical care on the condition she initiate a deal with Justin. In order to provide treatment for those poor creatures (Probably would have been a good idea to ask her where her cohorts were). So, Dayna was sent to talk to Justin because they had some sort of romantic relationship approximately six years ago, hold on..how old is she again? Early twenties? And how long ago was this? About six years? So that would have made her...(Bloody hell! Are you @#$%ing kidding me?) Okay, let’s move on..
Dayna managed to convince mad scientist Justin to cooperate but Avon and his rebels arrived with intentions on using the creatures for themselves. They attacked and although Sleer and her team did their best to protect Justin and his experiments the rebels slaughtered them. (I need a hot bath and a cold drink after this one)

Unfortunately when Commissioner Sleer returned with reinforcements, Justin’s experiments, without anyone to provide food, were found dead of starvation.








Ask Trooper Pouthmiece:

This week’s question is from Karfan of Betafarl; “T.P., why didn’t you wish everyone Merry Christmas or Happy New Year?”
The Terran Federation did away with religion centuries ago just before the new calendar was started . Since then our planets have enjoyed peace and prosperity while abolished sexism, racism, and sexuality intolerance. While your planet might still have those antiquated notions we’ve found that religion and holidays impede unity. Once your planet is under Federation control (and according to reports should be within a year) and our rules are established you’ll see the improvement. Thanks for the question (see you soon).


This has been trooper Pouthmiece.
From strength to unity.
_________________
"Women, food, and inflicting pain -- in no particular order."
- The Fifth Legion

[thunda]

Greetings to all current and soon to be Federation citizens. Trooper Pouthmiece here again with the latest news.


Hey everyone, I’m back again. I know you all are wondering why there’s so much time in between shows and while I can’t tell you everything I will tell you I’m tracking down leads concerning a theat to the Federation. Stay tuned.

Breaking News; Artificial Intelligence achieved?




File: Headhunter



We have a very special guest today; the famed Dr. Muller, expert in cybernetics. Some of you may not recognize the name because he works for the Robot Development Cartel, which is based on a non Federation(for the moment) planet called Phaeos, but he’s said to be a greater genius than his teacher Professor Ensor, Dr. Muller is here to talk about his latest breakthrough, a sentient android.



TROOPER POUTHMIECE: Dr. Muller, rumor has it you’ve perfected artificial intelligence. Could you elaborate?
TECHNICIAN 241: I’m sorry but there’s been some mistake. I’m not Dr. Muller.

TROOPER POUTHMIECE: Pardon?
TECHNICIAN 241: I’m not Muller, I’m Technician Two Four One.


TROOPER POUTHMIECE: Technician Two Four One? I see. So will Dr. Muller be joining us later?
TECHNICIAN 241: No. I’m afraid Muller is dead.


TROOPER POUTHMIECE: Dead?
TECHNICIAN 241: Yes, dead. The RDC sent me in his place.



TROOPER POUTHMIECE: My condolences (so much for today’s show) . Were you his assistant?
TECHNICIAN 241: No.




TROOPER POUTHMIECE: Part of his research team?
TECHNICIAN 241: No.


TROOPER POUTHMIECE: Working on his project?
TECHNICIAN 241: No.


TROOPER POUTHMIECE: (Okay, this is going to be a long day.) Sir, wasting a Federation trooper’s time is a felony offense. Perhaps you could shed some light on his death.
TECHNICIAN 241: Muller was murdered.


TROOPER POUTHMIECE: Murdered? Well now we’re getting somewhere. Please start at the beginning.
TECHNICIAN 241: Certainly. It started when the alarm went off signaling an all sections security alert. An unidentified ship, later confirmed as Scorpio, had been detected in unauthorized geo-stationary orbit and anti-spy systems were put into operation. I rushed to Muller’s lab to check on him and when I found him he pointed to the table containing his android’s inhibitor system. That’s when it happened.


TROOPER POUTHMIECE: What happened? You saw his murderer? You killed him? Are you here to confess? That would be great for ratings!
TECHNICIAN 241: Everything went black. Someone must have hit me on the head from behind. When I woke up I saw Muller’s headless corpse lying on the floor. The box missing.


TROOPER POUTHMIECE: Excuse me, but did you say headless?
TECHNICIAN 241: Yes. DNA tests later revealed the corpse to be Muller but the head was missing. And no sign of his creation.


TROOPER POUTHMIECE: Could you explain more about that box?
TECHNICIAN 241: Muller claimed to have created the perfect android. A humanoid robot with artificial intelligence. Unfortunately it would have no morals of its own so an inhibitor was built into its head to act as sort of a conscience.


TROOPER POUTHMIECE: That’s amazing. Even Federation scientists haven’t advanced that far yet. Please continue.
TECHNICIAN 241: At first we believed he was killed by outside forces but after reviewing his notes the conclusion was reached that Muller was planning on joining up with the Federation rebel called Avon but his creation activated prematurely then decapitated him and used his head to fool the crew of Scorpio into teleporting it on board.


TROOPER POUTHMIECE: Wait a minute, let’s go back to the android wearing its creator’s head. How the hell could Avon’s crew be fooled by that.
TECHNICIAN 241: Schematics show that it had the ability to manipulate electronics, so once aboard the Scorpio it would be simple enough to manipulate the crew into teleporting it to the surface.


TROOPER POUTHMIECE: That doesn’t answer my --
TECHNICIAN 241: Muller was a student of Professor Ensor. His life’s dream was to prove himself a superior genius by creating the ultimate artificial intelligence. Unfortunately the android activated and achieved awareness before he could place its inhibitor system on its head and it set out on its ultimate goal.

TROOPER POUTHMIECE: What exactly was its goal?
TECHNICIAN 241: The goal of every living thing, self preservation. And the only way it would truly be safe was if every living thing was under its control. Enslavement or elimination. Joining with Orac would make that possible.


TROOPER POUTHMIECE: So there’s an android and a computer out there ready to take over the galaxy? Am I going to have call in a Red One mobilization?
TECHNICIAN 241: Not likely. We concluded that after a week since the android disappeared yet all electronic systems were functioning normally it must have been destroyed by Avon and his crew before it could link with Orac. So humanity is safe.


TROOPER POUTHMIECE: That’s a relief. Thank you Technician Two Four One, this turned out to be a productive interview. You can give your complete statement at Federation High Command to one of our inspectors.
TECHNICIAN 241: I don’t understand.


TROOPER POUTHMIECE: Muller willfully plotted to conspire with wanted fugitives of the Federation.
TECHNICIAN 241: Yes, but..


TROOPER POUTHMIECE: He did so while actively employed by the Robot Development Cartel.
TECHNICIAN 241: Yes, but..


TROOPER POUTHMIECE: Which makes the RDC partially liable.
TECHNICIAN 241: Yes, but..


TROOPER POUTHMIECE: And you’re a representative of the Robot Development Cartel
TECHNICIAN 241: Yes, but..


TROOPER POUTHMIECE: Which means legally you’re an accomplice. I’m afraid you’re under arrest Technician Two Four One.
TECHNICIAN 241: ..but...


TROOPER POUTHMIECE: Guards.




Ask Trooper Pouthmiece:

This week’s question is from Yarqua Trel of Disentastra. Yarqua inquires whether I know how to pilot a pursuit ship. No, but after a late night of drinking I can sure throw up in one. Heh heh, some trooper humor. Thanks for the question.



This has been trooper Pouthmiece.
From strength to unity.
_________________
"Women, food, and inflicting pain -- in no particular order."
- The Fifth Legion

[thunda]

Greetings to all current and soon to be Federation citizens. Trooper Pouthmiece here again with the latest news.


Breaking News; Trooper Pouthmiece returns after long absence.


Hello everyone! Guess who’s back? I apologize for being gone for so long but you have to remember old T.P. is still on active duty and subject to being sent some place at a moments notice. That’s the life of a Federation trooper. Thank you for being patient and I hope you enjoyed the show’s re-runs that were broadcast for the last few months but now it’s time for a new one. So sit back, get some refreshments and let me fill you in on the latest news.
.

File: Assassin

Several months ago our intelligence agency had information that someone had hired an assassin to eliminate Serva–, I mean Commissioner Sleer. Not just any assassin but Cancer who is reportedly the deadliest, most expensive killer in the Quadrant. So elusive that no one knew Cancer’s identity. So naturally I was chosen to be part of the personal guard that would accompanied Serva–, I mean Commissioner Sleer to the planet Domo where she was to conduct a humanitarian mission. Domo’s not in Federation territory (yet) so only a small group was allowed to travel with her, didn’t want to make it seem like an invasion (yet). The Commissioner was sent to the planet to make a formal complaint about Domo’s policy of harboring pirates and conducting slavery(and yes I realize that the Federation also has slavery).
In the middle of negotiations Avon and Dayna made a surprise attack in an attempt to assassinate the Commissioner but you know that’s not about to happen on my watch. Avon and his accomplice were driven off but not before murdering some of the planet’s security guards and taking several innocent civilians hostage and teleporting away. Commissioner Sleer gave the order to pursue them only to be ambushed by Cancer’s ship who was apparently hired by Avon. After making several attempts to get him (or her) to surrender he (or she) opened fire on us. Left with no choice Sleer returned fire destroying Cancer’s ship. It’s believed that Avon and his crew were not on board but Cancer and the hostages are believed dead. More blood on your hands, Avon. It’s always unfortunate when civilians get caught in the line of fire but on the bright side Serva—, I mean Sleer is safe (and let’s face it, those weren’t Federation civilians). Cancer’s identity will remain a mystery.




Ask Trooper Pouthmiece:

This week’s question is from Nator of Vilker; “What is pataki cake and where can I find it?” Well, pataki cake is an intoxicant distilled from the venom of a particular reptile. It’s known to be highly stimulating and addictive. It is illegal in Federation territory. Stay away from it, and if someone offers it to you contact your local authorities or nearest Federation trooper.



This has been trooper Pouthmiece.
From strength to unity.
_________________
"Women, food, and inflicting pain -- in no particular order."
- The Fifth Legion

[thunda]

Greetings to all current and soon to be Federation citizens. Trooper Pouthmiece here again with the latest news.


Breaking News; Explosion on planet Agravo thousands feared dead. Rebels believed responsible. More details as they come in.


Breaking News; Unlimited energy source discovered? Fact or fiction?


File: Games

I’m sure most of you have heard of Feldon crystals, the hardest know subject in the universe, but Federation scientists believe they hold the key to energy of the future. Feldon concentrates energy including energy from distant stars so the potential of Feldon power systems is capable of making a minus two fifty degree planet workable or providing a clean, environmentally safe source of power that would lower your electric bills. The Federation had operations planned on nine planets previously considered uninhabitable and invested two hundred billion (yes, you read that correctly) credits in the project. That means more jobs for Federation citizens. Unfortunately it's extremely rare, there are virtually no Feldon crystals left ,with only traces found in the asteroid belt and on a few insignificant planets. Mecron 2 being one.

After accidents to the previous survey team on the planet and decreased production Commissioner Sleer was sent to investigate because with opportunity comes the potential for greed and that usually leads to corruption. Operations supervisor and 3D chess master Belkov was paid a generous amount of credits for results so Sleer was in no mood for games. She charged him with a range of crimes from fraud to inciting the indigenous population against Federation troopers. Before he could be taken into custody Belkov committed suicide by piloting his ship into Cygnus XL, a black hole. Also apprehended was team survey leader Geologist Gerren who confessed to working with rebel Avon to embezzle millions of credits from the Federation (those are your taxes people). Federation forces have been dispatched to re-pacify the Mecronians. The case is ongoing.






Ask Trooper Pouthmiece:

This week’s question is from Taishu of Lindor. Taishu wants to know why there are Federation troops are Lindor. Well Tai I’m no politician so I won’t give a diplomatic answer. Apparently different factions on your planet couldn’t agree on various things and that led to violence. In order to keep Lindor from tearing itself apart with civil war and perhaps spreading chaos throughout the quadrant the Federation was asked by your officials to act as a peace keeping force. We’re happy to remain there as long as needed. Thanks for the question.


This has been trooper Pouthmiece.
From strength to unity.
_________________
"Women, food, and inflicting pain -- in no particular order."
- The Fifth Legion

[thunda]

Greetings to all current and soon to be Federation citizens. Trooper Pouthmiece here again with the latest news.


Breaking News; Five year old mystery solved!

I know a land beyond the heart of time. The sun never comes there. No moon ever shines. And man, a grain of sand, nameless and lost, blows with the dust.
Heard that somewhere and now I can’t get it out of my head.


File: Sand


TROOPER POUTHMIECE: We have a special guest tonight, Federation pilot Lieutenant Chasgo. Always a pleasure to have a Federation officer on the show, Lieutenant (actually he’s the first one).
[
The pleasure’s mine, Trooper Pouthmiece.


TROOPER POUTHMIECE: From what I understand you had quite an adventure recently. Care to enlighten us, sir?
CHASGO: Of course. I was the pilot transporting Commissioner Sleer and Investigator Reeve to the planet Virn who were attempting to discover what happened to a research team which was stranded there five years ago.


TROOPER POUTHMIECE: Commissioner Sleer? In charge of the pacification program? That’s an odd choice for such an assignment.
CHASGO: I thought that very same thing. Seems to me there may have been something personal between Sleer and the research team leader, Don Keller, judging by how she kept watching his transmissions over and over.


TROOPER POUTHMIECE: And did you say five years ago?
CHASGO: Yes. Keller’s distress call was received five years ago but was never acted on by HQ. Probably never made it to the top officials. His transmissions state that there was something special about the planet, trace elements, perhaps a life form but they were unable to locate it before his crew started dying. Keller believed there was some type of plague responsible for killing his team and there was something about the world, some type of electromagnetic disturbance which caused their ship’s machinery to act up so they couldn’t leave.


TROOPER POUTHMIECE: All appears a bit mysterious.
CHASGO: I thought so but Investigator Reeve had his own theory. Didn’t particularly care for Investigator Reeve, he was very intimidating. I don’t think Commissioner Sleer took a liking to him either. Reeve was convinced Keller crashed their ship, got scared and made up a story to cover himself. Reeve seemed like the type who believed everyone was guilty of something.


TROOPER POUTHMIECE: So what happened when you reached Virn?
CHASGO: Entering the planet’s atmosphere we hit some kind of multi- gravitational field. Instruments were going mad. It was a hell of a bumpy ride down. It took all my skill just to land us in one piece but do I get thanked? No.


TROOPER POUTHMIECE: Please continue, sir.
CHASGO: There was an assistant along also, can’t remember his name but he was worried about the virus being still active. I assured him that’s why we had broad spectrum shots taken in advance so we should be safe. Didn’t matter though, I knew once he left the ship he wasn’t going to make it back. He may as well have been wearing a red shirt


TROOPER POUTHMIECE: Heh heh. I got that (old Earth reference).
CHASGO: After they left I tried to move the ship and only succeeded in bringing half the planet down on me. I checked before attempting it and the area was stable, so naturally they blamed me. I did the calculations beforehand , double checked, triple checked, but nothing worked. None of it made sense anymore. And where did the sand come from? It was everywhere. Everywhere!


TROOPER POUTHMIECE: Sir?
CHASGO: Sorry, just having a flashback.


TROOPER POUTHMIECE: So about the Keller mystery?
CHASGO: Commissioner Sleer returned hours later but alone. According to her accounts the co-pilot succumbed to unknown reasons however the traitor Del Tarrant was responsible for the death of investigator Reeves.

TROOPER POUTHMIECE: Tarrant, one of Avon’s rogues on Virn? The plot thickens (and the charges against him increase).
CHASGO: Probably attempting to obtain a sample of whatever killed Keller’s team and use it as some sort of bio weapon. The commissioner must have managed to convince him that they should work together to survive on the planet. Fortunately before she returned I managed to deduce and solve the problem


TROOPER POUTHMIECE: You deduced and solved the problem? Well done, sir.
CHASGO: Yes. It was Sand.


TROOPER POUTHMIECE: Sand?
CHASGO: Sand. The sand was responsible for playing havoc with the ship’s electronic instruments but once I removed it from the craft the instruments returned to normal and we were able to leave the planet.


TROOPER POUTHMIECE: Are you saying that sand was responsible for interfering with Federation technology?
CHASGO: Correct. It was also responsible for killing Keller and his crew. It sucked the life out of them. The sand was alive.


TROOPER POUTHMIECE: Sand. Alive. Lieutenant, you did pass a psychiatric evaluation when you returned to base didn’t you?
CHASGO: Yes, of course.


TROOPER POUTHMIECE: Just checking.
CHASGO: The sand was the life form reading Keller’s instruments detected. Apparently my starting the engines was enough to cause a rainfall which negated the electromagnetic disturbance in the atmosphere and caused the sand to go dormant.


TROOPER POUTHMIECE: Looks like you’re the hero in all this, Lieutenant (or a bloody liar). I’d say that closes the case.
CHASGO: And let’s keep this part between us but Sleer and Tarrant were together, alone for a few hours, so it’s not out of the realm of possibility to assume that******************************* **********************************(had to censor that for legal reasons. Can’t spread rumors about a high ranking official now, can we?)


TROOPER POUTHMIECE: That’s all we have time for today. Thank you dropping by, Lieutenant Chasgo.
CHASGO: Federation forever, Trooper Pouthmiece.

TROOPER POUTHMIECE: Federation forever, sir, Federation forever.







Ask Trooper Pouthmiece:

This week’s question is from Brienne of Carthenis. Why doesn’t the military use robots in combat situations? Brienne, while a robot may have an advantage in raw power it lacks the intuition, instinct and overall experience of a good trooper which is what is necessary in battle. Thanks for the question and I hope your planet has had nice weather.
Thanks for the question.


This has been trooper Pouthmiece.
From strength to unity.
_________________
"Women, food, and inflicting pain -- in no particular order."
- The Fifth Legion

[thunda]

Greetings to all current and soon to be Federation citizens. Trooper Pouthmiece here again with the latest news.


Breaking News; The heist of the century!

Hello everyone, I’m back. I know it’s been awhile but you have to remember as a Federation trooper I’m subject to being called at a moments notice and being sent anywhere in the galaxy.



File: Gold

This was pieced together from surveillance tapes and personal interviews with friends in law enforcement. Starts off with Avon having a meeting with an old friend (didn’t know he had any) named Keiller. Now Keiller happens to be the Purser of the pleasure cruiser Space Princess which takes passengers from Zerok (the gold planet) to Earth. Unknown to everyone (until now) it also transports gold which is bought by the Federation and used as standard currency on planets that have no computer link up. Sending gold on what was supposed to be a pleasure cruise? That’s the most..most.. actually that was a pretty good idea. Precautions are taken by changing the gold’s structure to black gold making it worthless until it gets to the Federation who has the proper codes to change it back (don’t press me on this because I have no bloody idea how it works).

So after killing some guards on Zerok, killing more guards on the Space Princess, killing a doctor, almost killing Dayna, having a shootout in the midst of civilians (I’d love to hear how they’re going to spin this to their fans), Avon’s thugs finally get the gold (Guess that rebel thing wasn’t working out) and exchange it for Zerok currency in the billions. Case over? Not yet. While all this was going on Zerok joined the Federation and I’ll read the rest; Federation banking system will now take over that of Zerok. All bank notes drawn by the Bank of Zerok will be declared invalid within seven days and all private transactions will be illegal directly. Which means Avon and his gangsters are in possession of worthless paper.


Update: The body of Keiller was found on Beta 5. There was no trace of the gold. It’s like the old saying, “Crime doesn’t pay.”



Ask Trooper Pouthmiece:

This week’s question is from Elti of planet Tarsius; “Why don’t Federation troopers use protective armor?” Excellent question, Elti and there are three reasons why we don’t use body armor. First; cost. While the Federation does have good quality armor capable of stopping a plasma blast, the price for equipping all the millions of troopers would be tremendous. Which is why they are used only in certain situations. It’s simply not cost effective. Second; maneuverability. The protection gained would mean sacrificing speed and agility which is something a trooper needs. Third; intimidation. Seeing a trooper in armor implies that it’s needed. Seeing a trooper without armor scares the hell out of the bad guys. Thanks for the question.



This has been trooper Pouthmiece.
From strength to unity.
_________________
"Women, food, and inflicting pain -- in no particular order."
- The Fifth Legion

[thunda]

Greetings to all current and soon to be Federation citizens. Trooper Pouthmiece here again with the latest news.




Good evening everyone, or afternoon, or morning, depending on which planet you’re on.
This show we’re going to do something different and start with the “Ask Trooper Pouthmiece:” segment first as it has to do with today’s file. The question is from Vim Tarn of Earth who wants to know whatever happened to Dr. Egrorian?


File: Orbit


Some of you might recognize the name from the Egrorian theory of Parallel Matter. A proven genius, Egrorian received his degree from the prestigious Belhangria University but it was later rescinded for gross misconduct. According to his security file on central record, ten years ago, after the science board voted against funding his tachyon funnel project he made several vague threats against the members and against the government. An investigation was opened and sufficient evidence was found that he was part of a conspiracy to overthrow the Federation but he escaped before he could be apprehended. Although never proven it was rumored he had help in high places. He is linked to a few million credits missing from the Space Research Institute along with several murders. The case was left open.


Recently, long range transmission scanners (Feds monitor video signals from all parts of the galaxy for your protection) picked up communications between Egrorian and known rebel, criminal Avon proposing a meeting. After authentication the transmissions were traced to the planet Malodar, a world with a un-breathable atmosphere and temperatures of minus ninety to one hundred degrees. Not exactly where you would expect to find a brilliant scientist with millions of credits. Federation troopers along with bio-hazard teams were dispatched to Malodar to investigate and according to notes confiscated from Egrorian’s computer in his bio dome showed he planned to entice Avon into an alliance by offering him a trade of Orac for his Tachyon Funnel, a weapon theoretically capable of destroying worlds. After conducting the trade Egrorian attempted to kill Avon and one of his crew by sabotaging their shuttle so he could keep both devices for himself. Apparently Avon and his partner discovered the scheme and using teamwork managed to escape. No sign of Orac or the tachyon funnel have been found as yet but Federation scientists maintain a tachyon funnel is impossible to create and believe that Egrorian used cgi and special effects to deceive Avon. A further search of his makeshift laboratory revealed the withered remains of two people later identified as Egrorian and his assistant Pinder. Tests showed that they had been exposed to Hoffal’s radiation (which I assume you know of because I bloody well don’t) in what is assumed to be an accident during an experiment. The case is regarded as closed.


“O Liberty! What crimes are committed in thy name.” That was a favorite quote that Egrorian liked, from Madame Roland, a French revolutionary (my staff looked it up). She was executed for taking part in a revolution against the government. Something for you rebel sympathizes to think about.


This has been trooper Pouthmiece.
From strength to unity.
_________________
"Women, food, and inflicting pain -- in no particular order."
- The Fifth Legion

[thunda]

Greetings to all current and soon to be Federation citizens. Trooper Pouthmiece here again with the latest news.





Hello everyone, it’s T.P., back again. I know it seems like ages since I’ve had a new show but as a Federation trooper I’m on call every minute of the day and subject to being sent anywhere in the galaxy. Fortunately I managed to return safe and sound and I thank you all for being patient while listening to reruns. For those of you who have been keeping track you know I was following up on leads and they finally paid off. More about that during the show. The remaining season’s shows are going to be live and more guests than you can shake a plasma rifle at. So many that we’re going to have to divide the show into several parts. Each part will be live and on location. This is investigative reporting at its best, ladies and gentlemen.
Let me take a moment to to welcome all my new listeners, the Federation has been growing rapidly and that means a larger audience. If you know someone who is unable to receive my show tell them to contact their leaders and demand FBC.



Breaking News; Zondar joins the Federation



Today’s show is live on location on planet Zondar, a new member of the Federation. Let’s give them a warm hearty welcome. Congratulations on joining the family.



File: Warlord


TROOPER POUTHMIECE : With me now are two of the Federation’s finest, helping with Zondar’s transition. Have time for a quick interview, guys?


Trooper 1 : Sure, we’re big fans of yours.

Trooper 2 : Never miss a show. Love what your doing for our image.

Trooper 1 : Fire away.


TROOPER POUTHMIECE : Well thanks, mates, always glad to meet fans. Introduce and tell a little about yourselves.

Trooper 1 : I’m Gareth from Earth and this is my third tour.

Trooper 2 : Darrow, also from Earth. Doing my second tour. Hi mom.



TROOPER POUTHMIECE :Those aren’t their real names obviously. As pacification and control specialists they have to maintain a level of anonymity. Right, guys?

Trooper 1 : Uh, no. Those are our real names.



TROOPER POUTHMIECE : Fair enough. First let me congratulate you both and all the rest of the troopers here on the great work you’re doing keeping the peace on this world. All the citizens of the Federation appreciate your sacrifice. Since you’re arrival crime is down 98%, unemployment is down 100%, and production is up 95%.

Trooper 1 : We’re just doing our job.

Trooper 2 : Yeah, just your average everyday troopers, and the pylene 50 makes it easy

Trooper 1 : Hey, zip it. We’re not supposed to mention that.

Trooper 2 : Oh, right. Sorry.


TROOPER POUTHMIECE : That’s okay. For our new listeners pylene 52 is a chemical put into water to promote and sustain health. Similar to how fluoride was added ages ago to prevent tooth decay. Totally harmless.

Trooper 2 : Heh heh. This guy is great

Trooper 1 : That’s why I love his show.


TROOPER POUTHMIECE : I’ve got to say the pacification program seems to have really paid off. This the most peaceful planet I’ve ever visited . The people are so... orderly. Crime is virtually non existent. The only increase seems to be suicide by plasma bolt.


Trooper 2 : Heh heh.

Trooper 1 : You get that early on in pacification programs. It’s completely normal and within accepted parameters.

Trooper 2 : Yeah, heh heh, completely normal.


TROOPER POUTHMIECE : Okay guys, I got a tip that the rebels were planning something on this planet. Any truth to that?

Trooper 1 : Rebs? Here? Not likely.

Trooper 2 : We run a tight ship.

Trooper 1 : Wait wait. Remember 6 weeks ago? When we were having a little fun?

Trooper 2 : Oh right. Right. There was some bloke taking video 6 weeks ago but we put a end to it. Said he was a Tarl citizen and we had no right to stop him.

Trooper 1 : Oh we stopped him all right. Gave him a good thrashing before turning him over to the investigators.

Trooper 2 : At least it livened things up a bit.

Trooper 1 : Interrupted our game, though.


TROOPER POUTHMIECE : Game?

Trooper 1 : Yeah, you know, sometimes we get bored out of our minds.
So for excitement me and the boys partake in a little target practice with the locals.

Trooper 2 : Like shooting fish in a barrel. A tiny barrel.

Trooper 1 : You know how it is, Pouthmiece, you’ve been around.


TROOPER POUTHMIECE : Err...

Trooper 2 : What happens on Zondar stays on Zondar. Right?


TROOPER POUTHMIECE : Err...

Trooper 2 : You can edit that out right?

TROOPER POUTHMIECE : We’re live.

Trooper 1 : Excuse me, I think the Section Leader needs us.

Trooper 2 : Yeah, duty calls. It was a pleasure.


TROOPER POUTHMIECE : Thank you for your time troopers and keep up the good work. Great kidders those guys. Next stop; planet Tarl!




This has been trooper Pouthmiece.
From strength to unity.
_________________
"Women, food, and inflicting pain -- in no particular order."
- The Fifth Legion