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September
Competition
There were a lot of very excellent ones this month, but this
one was kind of cute!
I'm a gonna
sarge.... he's knocked the stuffing out of me!
 by Shaun Simpson
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Well
done and thanks to everyone that entered!
I told you not to smoke that cigar!!!
by Clinton Smith
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Trooper Parvan discovers the downside of hiding in his tunic the cigarette he was sneakily smoking when Section Leader Barzam made a surprise inspection.
by Slartibartfast
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Survival tip No.1: when under-fire, hide behind a sheep.
by Halo
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When Federation guards have to much time on their hands.
Man standing: OK 1, 2, 3 brappppp! Now guess what I ate for lunch.
Kneelimg man: Lets see, pizza, hot dogs, roast beef, chicken, blue cheese...no limburger and a diet coke.
Standing man: Gotcha! You missed the pickles...i win.
by Santa's Head Elf
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Fed 1: As I told you before, Fed 2, you're gonna regret that one last soma come morning.
by Octagonal
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Federation stuffed toys: Crap
by Gnoll
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Bill and Fred were bird watching when suddenly Fred dropped to his knees in pain and started screaming.
Bill: are you alwright.
Fred: No, I think I tore a hemroid with that last blast of gas.
Bill: I don't care if your dying, I'm not getting 10 feet near you....PU...you stink.
Fred: That's the last time I take a colon clener just before I go out.
Fred: c'mon Bill I can't walk.
Bill: You not only scared all the byrds, you killed them mister stinky man.
by The Man From A.N.K.L.E.
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hey, did you just squeeze some cheese?
or has someone else floated that air biscuit?
by graeme_clayton
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I told you to sift ONE cup of powdered sugar into the mix, not the whole bloody bag!
by AmandaB
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Fed 2: I'll pretend to be Santa, while you get Blake.
by Jonny B
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This beard is really getting in the way of my helmet....
by jason
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Damn BBC special effects... mutter mutter
by James
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A sheep! You're using a sheep as your new weapon!?!! Man we are not in New Zealand now, put that thing away!!!!
by James
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Trooper: I'm melting... I'm melting!!!!
by Martin
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It's a were-sheep!
by Currer
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Argh! The cloud is shrinking me!
by Al
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STANDING GUARD: Y'know, those stealth uniforms were only meant for when we were in the sky blending in with all the clouds...
by Currer
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To give a them more friendly public image all Federation Guards were ordered to join 'SAVE THE FLUFFY CLOUDS' to promote a more public friendly immage. Unfortunatly high command did not bank on extreamists starting the 'FLUFFY CLOUD LIBERATION FRONT' and saving clouds from their rain making products testing lab.
by Al
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BLAKE realized that there was something wrong with the plan to steal vital Federation coding equipment when he noticed that the " gaurds " were filled with itching power when shot.
by THE DOCTOR ALT 8
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Croching gaurd.. " Bye Jove missus, bye Jove ! What a wonderful day what a wonderful day for going up to your local vicer and.... "
Standing gaurd ... " Will you quit it with the Ken Dodd impersinations ? "
by THE DOCTOR ALT 8
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" Mum`s gonna kill you when she see`s the state of your new uniform.. "
by THE DOCTOR ALT 8
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Fed 1: Did you have that Madras again? Mind you it makes good cover!
by Chris F
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A poodle, I don't need no stinking poodle!
by Chris F
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I know I'm no marketing man, but I don't see how these new fluffy uniforms are going to give us a more caring image.
by Steve Rogerson
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'aaaaaah,better out than in'
by john holland
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Crouching
Guard: Mist! Mist!
Standing Guard: You try hitting them then!
by Helen
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FED 1: Oh,
come on, BLAKE WILL NOT BELIEVE YOU'RE A CHERUB!!!
FED 2: Maybe if I take my clothes off and carry bows and arrows.
FED 1: GOOD GOD NO! NO! NO! NO! NO!
<bang as FED 1 commits suicide>
by Currer
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FED 1: look,
mate, the cloud and everything... I mean, Blake isn't stupid
enough to think you're a cherub.
FED 2: Are you sure?
by Currer
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TROOPER
1: Ever since I got my radiocative haeart transplant, I have
been able to kill as many criminals as I desire.
VOICEOVER: Radioactive heart transplants - it's the way to go.
Warning: product does cause passers-by to self-ignite.
by Ewen Campion-Clarke
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I've told
you before there's a time and a place for Ledgersermain.And
the middle a battle isn't it!
by Vidar Raven
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The new
federation uniforms were bullet proof, laser proof, but, it
seems, not sheep proof.
by Currer
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DIRECTOR:
No! That's for the special effects, you idiot. Oh no... there
goes the mist for the spooky scene in "Duel"...
by Currer
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That`s one
HELL of a sherbet dab addiction you`ve got !
by THE DOCTOR ALT 8
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Federation
guards discover that there is a really good reason why they
weare gas masks
by Al
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Soldier
1: This new pillow worked sir! They didn't manage to shoot me.
Soldier 2: Yes but you can't see them now can you!
by Jan
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"ATCHOO!"
The Federation Guard was polite and sneezed into his (rather
large) tissue.
by Currer
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"Owing
to the current shortage of Australian soap stars, Federation
troopers will be modelling this season's new fleeces at Kayes."
by Jane Hammill
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As propaganda
Blake shone an x ray beam through the standing guards heart
in a diversion. And, as you see, he appears to be made out of
light!
by Currer
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ATCHOO!
by Currer
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STANDING
GUARD: I know that you want to be more artistic, but you;re
supposed the WAIT for the clouds before you see pictures in
them- not bloody well make them!
by Currer
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standing
guard: ok, i know we accidently shot servalans pet poodle, but
do you REALLY think she's gonna fall for that?
squatting guard: got a better idea?
standing guard: yeah. its called legging it.
by caz
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kneeling
blurk...LOOKA ME PALS, I'M DOUGAL!!!
by ssj imp
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The Weather
Forcast for today: Low isolated patches of fog.
by Matt
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Dammit Dave,
now you've gone and blown our special effects budget for season
4!
by Brenda
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"I
knew you guys were bottle fed !"
......."goo gah"
by Magic Pebble
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"hoy
yar !"
The Federation`s re-enactment of Bruce Lee`s classic
`The way of the exploding fist`
didn`t exactly go according to plan !
by Magic Pebble
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Rehersals
started early for this years Federation pantomime.....
`Snow White and the Blake`s 7 dwarfs`
by Magic Pebble
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1st Guard
"Rodney, you plonker!!!"
crouching Guard "Sorry Dell..."
by R Hobbs
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First Guard
"I see the special effects dept have cut the budget again"
Crouching Guard "Well at least we still got the helmets"
by R Hobbs
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First Guard
"How long do you think we can hide Jenna in here for?"
Crouching Guard "Jenna? I thought it was Servalan"
by R Hobbs
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Standing
guard: I think I'm hit! My shirt's glowing! I've got nuclear
fallout, man!
Squatting guard: Shuddup and get down. If we hide behind this
coolant vent they can't see us.
by Manda Benson
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I said bring
the synchroton cannon, not the bloody hookah!
by Manda Benson
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It's a mad
killer alien, not a mad killer fart. Honest.
by Manda Benson
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Standing
guard: What the hell did you press, man?!
Squatting guard: I dunno, but it didn't work. I think someone's
sabotaged our equipment.
by Manda Benson
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And the
Federation are defeated!... By freak weather conditions.
by Manda Benson
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Squatting
guard: This new drug they're issuing really steadies the nerves.
Standing guard: Yes, but you're supposed to snort it in, not
out, fool.
by Manda Benson
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Standing
guard: Uuurgh! What the hell did'ja have to go and do that for?
My vision's going funny. I feel quite faint.
Squatting guard: Groan. I knew I shouldn't have eaten all those
beans.
by Manda Benson
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guard 1...heh
heh, the action figures were gonna be made into will look cool.
guard 2...so what will mine be called?, 'stupid federation security
guard'?.
guard 1... you said it mate, not me.
by ssj imp
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Due to budget
constraints,the actors,Gareth Thomas and Paul Darrow find themselves
doubling as federation guards. Take:39,finds our heroes...
Gareth:(to,Paul)"I can live with being an extra.
But,darn it,why do I have to use the exploding gun"?
Paul:(to,Gareth,staring straight ahead,trying to look dangerous.)
"I,of course,have a no-exploding
gun clause in my contract."
Gareth:(to,Paul) "It figures...Damn gun...That's
it,after season-two, I'm outta here."
Paul(to Gareth,a vicious sneer cannot be seen under the mask)"oh,you
WILL be back. And,guess what I have in store for you at the
end of Season
Four?"
Director:(To all)"Take FORTY"
by JOHN MASSEY
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Trooper
1: Yo trevor, whatchya dooing ?
Trooper 2: WUUUZZZAAaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh !
lol.........
by DNX Matrix - Dnxworld.com
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Bill: What
the crap, is that smoke?
Brat: No it's some kind of cloud.
Bill: can it make you sick?
Brat: Well I know one thing, I fill sleepy.
Bill: Nooooooo, it's some sort of sleeping gas.
Brat: thats not it, I just didn't get any sleep last night.
Bill: Ok, so why are we standing here again.
Brat: Were getting are picture taking, dummy!!!
by NeoKi
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Tropper
1: Damn it trevor, told u not to snork that stuff till we got
home !!!!!!!
Trooper 2: Aahhhh CHHOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooohhhh ! Sniff!......
by DNX Matrix (dnxworld.com)
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That's another
exploding gun. You hold the propl guy's arms behind his back
I'll punch him!
by Al
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"Ooops,
my talcum powder exploded,"
"Are you sure it's talcum powder?"
"Of course, us guards can't be on drugs,"
"I agree,"
"Nor can that green and pink elephant,"
by Currer
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The Federation
guard decided to fire his gun at the EXACT same time that he
broke wind as a double weapon. Or, at least, that's what he
told his mates at the pub.
by Currer
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THE GREAT
WONZO: And I make this sheep appear out of thin air!
VILA: Encore!
THE GREAT WONZO: I will now make an elephant appear.
OTHER FED: Uh oh...
by Currer
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AVON: <off
set> Er, Blake, is this HONESTLY the secret weapon you've
been telling us about all this time?
by Currer
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And here
we are, outside the Federation building, for the first time
ever we witness the sport of Sheep-Man wrestling. And it appears
that the sheep is winning!
AVON AND CALLY: Go sheep! Go sheep!
BLAKE AND GAN: C'mon you humans!
by Currer
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Trooper
(standing) : Y'know Roger, I told you wearing arctic camouflage
around here wouldn't help you one bit. You look rather silly.
by Fish
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And you
wonder why we have to keep wearing these stupid masks?
by Shaun Simpson
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SHAWN THE
SHEEP: Uh, sorry guys, wrong film!
by Currer
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Fred and
Bill were deer hunting when suddenly bill spotted a rabbit.
Fred fired his gun which was loaded with Gold Bond Powder. Bill
thought it was cocaine and inhaled every last particle. Fred
was very upset and went home. Bill stood frozen for 15 hours
and claimed he saw little green men on his pant leg.
by Agnes of Rottingham Square
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kneeling
man......"just call me 'fluffy'"
standing man...... "this is what you get when cousins marry"
by ssj imp
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Don't you
think we should be shooting this scene INSIDE the studio set?
by Ash
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Fed1: Nice
shawl Fred, but do you think it's appropriate when we're on
duty?
Fed2: Thanks Bob. It's so hard to accessorise with these bland
uniforms. I think I'll wear my tiara tomorrow.
by Matt
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As the powder
started to settle, Bob realised his friend's coke habit had
gotten out of hand.
by Matt
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Bob and
fred go for a ride in the motorbike and side car, forgetting
that they dont actually own one!
by Paul Maddox
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[Jenna,
behind camera] "Is that a gun shot or are you just pleased
to see me?"
by Paul Maddox
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[standing
Guard] "Geeze fred, I warned you about re-heating that
Vindaloo!"
[guard sitting, fred] <cough> <cough>
by Paul Maddox
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I told the
section leader not to buy these guns from "Restal &
Melanbys Reliable Firearms Emporium"
by Vidar Raven
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FIRST FED:
Hey, man, I told you not to eat the beans.
by Currer
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Monkey and
Pigsy join the Federation.
by Martin
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Avon: {Off-screen}
Hey! The Feds are employing actors from Dynasty! Kill 'em!
by Martin
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Tropper:
O NO! We're being attacked by killer sheep!!! O please save
me! I'll never smoke from a bong again! We're all gonna die!!!!
Other tropper: Get it together man! Thats the smoke from your
bong you idiot!
Tropper: We're all gonna...die?...oh<pause> I though the
sheep had a rather pleasent smell to it.
by Iva Peninhand
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You know
this wouldn't have happened if we bought our guns on line at
bidvill.com
by Hank
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April fools
day at the Federation.
by Bongo
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Man standig:
Brrrrrappppp. Sorry about that. I had an extra helping of beans
for lunch.
by Nancy The Nose Picker
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When Private
Barns was ordered to use the smoke bomb, it never occured to
him that he was suppose to throw it!
by cmdahms
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Damn it
sarge they've hit my compact
by Vidar Raven
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man two..dammit,
these special effects get worse
by ssj imp
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man two..awwwwww
crap.
man one.. ha ha, april fool!
by ssj imp
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man one.....HA
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!
man two..... WAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
observer...bloody postal workers
by ssj imp
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thats a
very bad cold you have got
by john mccauley
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Man standing:
Your private life is your private life, officer, but just HOW
MANY times do I have to tell you not to wear Servalan's cast-offs
in *public*!
by Servalan's sister
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sectoion
leader it's no use,they're throwing flour bags at us.
by Vidar Raven
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Are you
shore this will get us the cover of guns and amo
by Vidar raven
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Look for
the hundreth time clen your gun and you'll avoid all that back
spray.
by Vidar Raven
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You idiot
I said kill not smoke screen!
by Vidar Raven
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Sarge someones's
been messing with my gun again
by Vidar Raven
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1...Oh you
only shot Gan he's only worth 10 points I got Blake Ha Ha!
2...Shut up! It's my gun, it's broken!
by Al
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Avon: {Off-screen}
Welcome to this week's meeting of the anti-social behaviour
club. Our special guests this week - a smoker and a flasher.
by Martin
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Trooper
1: Wow, I got this spaced out feelin' in my head, man...
by Martin
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1.I've come
over all fluffy Dave
2.wot?
3.I don'r like serving this repressive regeime anymore, I want
to see trees and flowers and fluffy sheep....
by Travis
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Oh man,
when Travis finds out you've broken his favourite bong...
by Dave B
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Hey! You!
Get off of my cloud!
by Ash
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I tell you,
don't have the chilli pizza!
by Ash
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Go buy your
own damn candy floss, there's a stall just around the corner.
by Dave B
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Oi! You
put that stuffing back in my teddy else I'll shoot!
by Mistress Tufty
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Ok, very
funny.. who put the flour bombs in my gun?
by Dave B
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Arggh Killer
Sheep!
by Booker
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