NOVEMBER 2000

We'd like to thank Luke Sutton for choosing this month's winner for us. Here's Lukes comments on how he made his decision:

" I actually sent all the captions to nine of my friends and asked them all to put a number one to ten on what they thought were the best captions. Number Ten being the best. Which ever caption had the highest score would of course be considered the best. Frighteningly nearly the whole ten of us picked the same caption"

" It was chosen because it was very original. No one else thought along those lines. It's simple and it really says something about the BBC. "

Tarrant to the Show's Producer: Cutting costs is one thing but theres nothing in the contract about doing each others makeup! by Psi

Tarrant: Avon, how many times have I told you the Ouija board is NOT a toy? Dayna, hurry up and tape his mouth shut. Soolin, keep praying for his soul. by Urza's Mistress

Soolin - He's definitely been sat too long in that deck-chair - he's got sun stroke by Paul G

Dayna says: Its an old earth trick - you hold his legs up and squeeze his nostrels - that will stop him snoring by Paul G

Tarrant: As you poke his eye we can feel his nipples go erect by consumerinfo

Tarrant: Very funny Avon. Putting Exlax in his food was really stupid. This poor chap almost died and he used up a years supply of toilet paper. by Fuzz Nuts

Tarrant: What do you know... I CAN do the Vulcan neck pinch... by gilthanis_elven

Alright. Who slipped him the Ex-lax? by Princessgrasshopper

What do you mean you lost the instruction manual? Great. Well, call 1-800-androids. I think this one's retarded or something. by Princessgrasshopper

( I call this caption it was late and I was sleepy) Avon: That's not how you balance a check! by Luke Sutton

( An unfortunate accident with transporters) Soolin: Vila don't worry we will get you out of there, just hold on. by Luke Sutton

Avon: IT WAS ME!!!!!!!! by Luke Sutton

Tarrant: While sucking his thumb, he accidently produced wind. I'm telling you its lucky he didnt blow up. by Luke Sutton

Tarrant: So this guy has had indigestion for a week and no one's seen Vila. Sort of makes you wonder. by Luke Sutton

Tarrant: With the space time glitch that is being caused by this early 70's jumper and this late 80's watch. It is lucky that this man is still alive. by Luke Sutton

Tarrant: As part of the health and occupational safety commitee we must discuss the risks of the caption competition. by Luke Sutton

Tarrant: Looks like his whole body has gone gangrene. Avon: That's his jumper you idiot! by Luke Sutton

Tarrant: Avon you cant just hit and run! Avon in the distance: Yes I can. by Luke Sutton

Vila: [Off-screen] There was this Englishman, this Scotsman and this Irishman and they walked into a bar, and they cried "Ouch!" HAR HAR HAAAARRRR...!! Tarrant: Vila, "the healing power of laughter" is a figure of speech. by Martin

Tarrant: Avon, how many times have I told you the Ouija board is NOT a toy? Dayna, hurry up and tape his mouth shut. by Urza's Mistress

Tarrant: Yes! His heart does still beat with love for me. Soolin: Dayna, what's wrong with this guy? Dayna: Well, it appears that he dropped some soap in the shower and then Tarrant... well, this guy is hemmoraging quite heavily. by urzas_mistress

Tarrant; "Four bloody years training with the Royal Shakespear Company to end up working with this ham. Even Cygnus bloody Alpha has got to be better than this." by Daria

Avon: Well lets have it? What's the statis? Tarrant: Well because Dayna has been holding a wet towel for a month she has serious dermititus. Soolin she's got a bad back. Geren's got Narclepsy. Who knows what Zens got? He just goes Gahonga Bonk ocassionally and on top of all that I thouroughly want to wash my body with incense and burn all my clothes becasue the caption competition has made me feel this bloke for a whole month now. by Luke Sutton

Tarrant: We are trying to wake the dead. Avon: Now this i've got to see. by Luke Sutton

Tarrant: We are trying to wake the dead. Vila off screen: Your all sick you here. by Luke Sutton

Avon off screen: Well lets have it, what's wrong with him? Tarrant: He has R. S. I. Repetitive Slogan Injury. by Luke Sutton

Lol Steve R by Luke Sutton

"It was terrible, we've just spotted Blake in an old episode of Heartbeat and he looked so old and knackered. It has to be one of Servalan's evil schemes." by Daria

Tarrant: What do you mean my future self has fallen through a time warp?! He looks nothing like me. And Soolin will you stop staring at my testicles, please. by Martin

Tarrant: He's suffering from exhaustion after reading too many Luke Sutton picture captions. by Steve R

"Blake, did you have to be so brutal ? Telling someone you love them is never easy. Besides we have all seen the way YOU look at HIM." by Daria

"Did you have to tell him that star trek is beating us in the ratings war ? you know how sensitive he is about these things." by Daria

AVON!!!!!! You CAN'T be serious about doing that to him!!!! by Kavon65

Now, in 15 minutes Dayna and Soolin will have replaced this unfortunate man's receding hairline with a thick full head of hair like mine! by Jonathan

Dayna: Vila, will you take off that silly blonde wig and help please, we've got a sick man here. by Martin

Gerren: I don't fancy Soolin... I don't fancy Soolin... Tarrant: Bloody hell, he IS delirious. by Martin

Tarrant: technically he's the CHAIRMAN of the caption competition. by Luke Sutton

Zen in distance: Plong bong dong confirmed gling ging gahonga bonk! Tarrant: Great now Zens got it. This disease is contageous. by Luke Sutton

Avon while holding a electric cable gets ready to take a run up while wearing wellingtons and a rugby helmet and shouting : CLEAR! by Luke Sutton

Avon: You guys can treat him medically without invading his personal space. by Luke Sutton

Tarrant: What happend to him, Avon. Avon: He looked at Gena. Tarrna: What is soo bad abou that? Avon: she wasn't wearig makeup. Tarrant: OH GOD,POOR CHAP!!!! by Red Neck

Avon: What happend to him!? Tarrant: All we did was dare him to light his fart,and he did. I think he exploded his colen. by I'm with stupid

Dayna: ...And the final touch, a headband. There, Avon'll never recognise you in this outfit, Jenna. by Martin

Tarrant: Hey look! If you press this button on his shoulder he switches off... by Martin

Tarrant: After all these years we finally find the missing link! by Luke Sutton

Avon off camera: Dayna! Tarrant! A blind date does not mean you take his eyes out. by Luke Sutton

Tarrant: I'm telling you, that's what bigomy does to you. by Luke Sutton

Tarrant: Now for Monty Pythons anatomy lesson number 37. This yellow line here is hiding a naughty bit! by Luke Sutton

Tarrant: Do not be easily fooled. I'm telling you he is a master at Aikido! by Luke Sutton

Tarrant: I'm willing to share my secret now. I see dead people. by Luke Sutton

Tarrant: They call it a 70's Afro! by Luke Sutton

Tarrant: He wants to wear one of these transporter bracelets as a nipple ring. The latest fad I here! by Luke Sutton

Tarrant: Avon, Vila get over and feel this jumper. It feels nice I tell you. Nice! by Luke Sutton

tarrant:your sure these tattoos wash of avon by johnnyw

Tarrant to Avon of camera: What your making the snuff video now! by Luke Sutton

Tarrent noticing Dayna and Soolin's attempts at waking their fellow passenger were failing tries the more drastic action of nipple tweaking. by David Pullin

Tarrant: No of course I'm not trying to steal the buttons from his coat. by Martin

Tarrant: Rocky, it's the second century of the new calendar, you started boxing in 1976, you just got scrmashed out there. Now don't bite my head off, but maybe you should think about retiring. by Martin

Gerren: Alright, who's the clever dick who glued a postcard to my head? by Martin

Tarrant: Dayna's got the suicide note and it says " I was only a BBC Extra!" by Luke

Tarrant: Your making a snuff video now! by Luke

Tarrant: He is an antiquaker! by Luke

Gerren: Paperwork! Paperwork! Paperwork! by Luke

Tarrant: Has anyone heard of Parkinsons law? by Luke

Tarrant: Do you blame us for not wanting to give him the kiss of life? by Luke

Tarrant: What do you mean i'm a Kleptomaniac? by Luke

Tarrant: I really think you should get your acne seen to, Vila, it already hit Gerren in the face when you squeezed one. by Martin

Tarrant: Avon, when you're playing Pontoon, "Hit me" means deal me another card! by Martin

Tarrant: Okay, Avon, he's ready for the next round of interrogation. Avon: [Off-screen] Very well. [Sound of tape recorder switching on] Kylie Minogue: "I should be so lucky... lucky, lucky, lucky..." Gerren: Aaaarrrggghhhh! Enough! I'll talk, I'll taaaaallllkkk! by Martin

Tarrant: Vila you don't do three dimensional knock, knock jokes like that I tell you. by Luke

Tarrant: He is not sleeping. He's dead I tell you. He's as dead as a Monty Python Parrot. by Luke

Tarrant: What do you mean stuff him for New years eve? by Luke

Tarrant: He has a varicose vain from here to here! by Luke

Tarrant: You should see the size of the brain tumor. We need more hands. by Luke

Tarrant: The collar bones connected to the scapulae. The scapulaes connected to the humerus. The humerus is connected to the ulna. The ulnas connected to the carpal. The carpals commected to the metacarpal. The metacarpals connected to the phalanges. Them bones, them bones, them dry bones. Oh hear the word of the Lord. by Luke Sutton

Gerren: Gosh, I like an airline that really takes care of its passengers. And so much legroom. by Martin

Tarrant: I know he's got my watch somewhere. Avon: [Off screen] Only one place left to look. Where's my rubber gloves... Tarrant: Oh nooooo... by Martin

Tarrant: Cramps! by Luke

Tarrant: No this man is definitely dead, but I can still hear a Martin. by Luke Sutton

Tarrant: But he asked me to pull his finger! by Luke Sutton

Tarrant: We have to get that ejector seat working properly. It landed here out of all places! by Luke Sutton

Tarrant: Vila you cant just walk around the ship in the jolly starkers. by Luke Sutton

Tarrant: Even though he is unconcious. I think he was tring to tell us that we were flying to close to that sun. by Luke Sutton

Tarrant: We just finished reading a new book. 'Idiots guide to neurosurgery.' by Luke Sutton

TARRANT: "I'm sorry, I didn't realise that my B.O. was so bad!" by Bayban the Baker

Avon: [Off set] What happened here? Tarrant: I don't get it. All Soolin said was "Give it to me straight" and he started sweating profusely. When Dayna said "And stick to the point all the way" and he passed right out. by Martin

Tarrant: Don't cool him down too much, Dayna. Soolin: No, with the central heating down he's great for warming our hands over. by Martin

Tarrnat: Right, Soolin, we'll hold him down you while you clobber him... Soolin: Hey! Who stole my cricket bat? by Martin

Gerren: Hot cocoa... Hot cocoa...! by Martin

Tarrant: Well he's mute so he can't tell us what happened to him. All we know is that he has this 70's jumper, half a handcuff and some masking tape on his forehead, plus he's flatuating. We think that it was a bucks party. by Luke Sutton

Tarrant: He was abducted by aliens. We found pieces of metal in his fillings. by Luke Sutton

Tarrant: Avon what do you have those forceps for? by Luke Sutton

Tarrant: He saw a mouse! by Luke Sutton

Tarrant: Avon your mace fixed him real good! by Luke Sutton

Avon says this while he is behind a glass partition : Oh by the way he is contageous! by Luke Sutton

Tarrant: Where do you want me to stick my hand? by Luke Sutton

Tarrant: Rheumatism and sleep walking what a bad combination! by Luke Sutton

Tarrant- Bloody hell Avon, why did you insist on giving an old man limitless curry rations! by Psi

Tarrant: Even though he is quadroplegic. With this yellow caution jumpe, this watch and some masking on his forehead, he should be back on his feet in no time. by Luke Sutton

Tarrant- What do you think Avon, should I stay like this or get in closer and smile more? by Psi

Tarrant: What do you mean that the quickest way to a mans heart is through food. I'm telling you it's through this yellow t-shirt and through his rib cage. by Luke Sutton

Tarrant- Yes thats it Avon, yeah you've got to hit that little button on the left to get the flash to pop up. by Psi

Avon off camera- I told you the old 'Enema threat' would work! by Psi

Tarrant: A council worker hard at work with a rolex! by Luke Sutton

Tarrant: This is suppose to be my clone! by Luke Sutton

Tarrant: We were going to give him electrolysis but the power went out. So we decided to resort to use masking tape instead. by Luke Sutton

Tarrant: Biggest damn nicotine patch i've ever seen. by Luke Sutton

Tarrant: Book balancing ettiquette classes! by Luke Sutton

Tarrant: Avon that red nose wont work you are no Patch Adams. by Luke Sutton

Tarrant: With him on board we can now park the liberator in those handicap parking spaces! by Luke Sutton

Tarrent: Good God Avon! What were you thinking!? You knew you shouln't have let him eat that space twinky, it was poisned!!! by I'm with stupid

Tarrent: Now that we put those braces on his teath, all he has to do is stand in front of the enemies and smile, so all the lasers will bounce off his teath. by D. A.

Gerren: Go go, Gadget-Dayna-Mellanby-from-forehead fabricator!!! by Martin

Well doing an Annabel Chong impression is difficult work, Gerren... by Martin

Soolin: He's old, grey, smelly, pompous, greedy, and he falls asleep at the first sign of work. What can we do with him? Tarrant: No choice, we'll have to send him to the House of Lords. by Martin

Tarrant: The poor guy's hand's fallen off. Here, have one of my mine. by Martin

My god - his beard has more tufts than my hair! by Al Gore

Dayna: Poor Chap, I think he is dead. Avon: What happend!? Soolin: He laughed himself to death. He just kept laughing at how the Americans couldn't even pick a president. by Bill Clinton

Soolin: Well, it's your own fault the ball sliced off the tee and hit you in the face. You should have swung like this. See? by Martin

Dayna: Nearly done. I-... Tarrant! What are you doing to his shoulder?! Soolin: It's what he's doing with the other hand that bothers me... by Martin

Dayna: Just need to add the forehead like so and... {Crack of thunder} Gerren: Mistresssss! Tarrant: It speaks! by Martin

Dayna: Teach you a lesson for wearing a head-band this small won't it? by Martin

Tarrant: Okay Avon, Soolin's undressing him and I'm rubbing up and down with my right hand, like you asked. Now... Avon what are you doing with YOUR right hand...?! by Martin

Tarrant: Okay - who put the superglue on my hand ? by Simon

Soolin: There, There.. we won't let that scary Avon get you. by Simon

Tarrant: My guess is that hes a farmer - just look at his wellies man! by Simon

Tarrant: My god - it looks like Patrick McGoohan! by Simon

Tarrant: Dayna and Soolin are practising plastic surgery and I'm practising malpractice! by Luke Sutton

Tarrant: Dayna's giving him plastic surgery. by Luke Sutton

Tarrant: In his dream he keeps saying " Thunderbirds are go!" by Luke Sutton

Man: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ! Tarrant: We are getting a universal translator on it right away. by Luke Sutton

Tarrant: We are playing Celebrity head! by Luke Sutton

Tarrant: Not tonight Avon. He has a headache. by Luke Sutton

Avon: Told you that the liberator should have airbags! by Luke Sutton

Tarrant: Avon - this is not HUMANE - torturing this poor man by pressing a large milky bar to his head! by Tarrant

Alright! Who farted? by ronthy

Tarrant: "He's been shot and needs urgent medical attention to save his life. Dayna, put a damp napkin on his head. Soolin, hold his hand and pat it. It's a long shot but it always seems to work... by Bobster

O.K. Rip Van Winkle, wake up! by Chris F

Wax them darn eyebrows off, I fed up of looking like Eric Cantona! by Chris F

Tarrant to Avon in between shooting- Well I'll be damned if I'm doing anymore BBC fundraisers with Doctor Who and the Daleks thats for sure! Avon talking naturally) -Sure thing sugar that Davros guy takes himself way too seriously, doesn't he realize he's just a cardboard box wrapped around a wheelchair? by Psi

Tarrant to Avon0 Thats the last bloody Benny Hill episode you play on my watch mister! by Psi

Tarrant to Avon- He say's he saw someone that said he built the Liberator ...Elvarse or something? by Psi

Tarrant to Avon- Thats right Avon we've decided whether you like it or not that we want to resurrect Blakes 7 with an all new Weekend At Bernies type of format! by Psi

Tarrant to Avon- What the hell did you call that move, Vulcan grip? by Psi

Tarrant to Avon- Avon, you evil bastard, you didn't have to tell him how little he was being paid for this episode and all that camp overacting won't make the slightest bit of difference! by Psi

Tarrant to Avon- There now you've gone too far this time, why do insist on always putting the Trivial Pursuit cards back into the wrong end of the box! by Psi

Tarrant: Well this is what I call ill humour. by Luke Sutton

Avon: I told you that hypnosis works and now I will make him act like a chicken! Tarrant: No! Not that! by Luke Sutton

Tarrant: Avon why are you dressed up as Dracula? by Luke Sutton

Tarrant: Avon why are dressed as dracula? by Luke Sutton

Tarant and the girls are bored so they decide to see how many twinkes they can stuff into a human body before it explodes. by Richard Breath

Tarrant "It`s coming to something when we have to pull our `OWN` strings" Dayna "And he`s only got five big red buttons to press aswell" Soolin "Poor little lamb !!!" by Magic Pebble

Avon: Well are food problem is now solved. Tarrant: Why do you have a knife and fork in your hands? You cant be serious! by Luke Sutton

Tarrant: You seriously want me to do mouth to mouth resuscitation on this guy! by Luke Sutton

Tarrant: Yes my hands are sterile thankyou very much. by Luke Sutton

Tarrant: I feel sorry for this chap because even though he is dead. He still will never get to know what it's like to be completely stiff. by Oh boy

Tarrant: What do you mean a alien is going to jump out of his stomach? by Luke Sutton

Tarrant: Why can't I take his watch? by Luke Sutton

The man in the chair tries desperately to remember what to say next, luckily Tarrant cunningly has the answer written on his hand! by Monkey

Man in chair (delierious): urrrrrrrrgh, lines, I need more lines in this episode. by Monkey

Soolin: Ok Dayna - you hold him down with that selotape and I'll nick his wallet. by Gizmo

Tarrant: Look Avon - the Vulcan nerve pinch does work! by Simon

Tarrant: Tell the bride that he will be out in a sec. by Luke Sutton

Tarrant: What do you mean the xray showed nothing wrong with his brain. We've already finished the operation. by Luke Sutton

Tarrant: No he hasn't fainted. He's just teaching me how to get the attention of women. by Luke Sutton

Avon: Hold it guys he's got one of those no blood cards. We will just have to operate without blood. Tarrant: You have to be kidding. by Luke Sutton

Tarrant: What a woose! Two pints and he's out stone cold! by Ewan

Soolin: Trust me on the sunscreen... by Jemmy

Tarrant: I was only joking when I said we should have Avon's only friend stuffed for posterity! by Jemmy

Tarrant: Amazing! Mustaches like this can survive into the 1980's... Soolin: You should talk, look at your perm! by Tainted Travis

Tarrant: TAXI! by Luke Sutton

Tarrant: Quick get a cup of lukewarm water. I want to see if it's true that they really wet there pants if you put there hand in it while they sleep. by Luke Sutton

Dayna: come on, the dentist is not that bad, its not like he kill people. Man in chair: .... by Mickeydoodles

Man in chair: Whew! That is the last time I eat sausage and beer! Soolin(Holding nose) I'll say!!! Yuck!!!!! by Gretta Gassbag

Soolin: Exscuse me sir, this toilet is for display only! by The bronze hemeroide

Vila: What happend to him!? Tarrent:He looked at his flatt rent! by my nose is on strike, so i pick it

Tarrent: Pore Chap, he went blind! Avon: What happend? Tarrent: He accidentally walked in on Blake when he was in the shower. He shoulld be deaf too. Avon: Why? Tarrent: Blake was singing "The Bertha Butt Boggie." while bending over for the soap. by The Naked Midget

Tarrent: Come on Avon, a curtisy flush would be nice right about now! by Ivanna Tinkle

Dayna: "Head circumference 12.56 inches" Soolin: "Upper arm circumference..6.29 inches" Tarrant: "Trust me..it's about 2 inches!!" by Johnny Boy

Darn gan, why did you have to let off such a big one??? by Don

Dayna: "Hold him still you two, Im trying to wax his forhead" tarrant" Well I wish you'd hurry up, he keeps tickling my feet <hehehe>" by Paul Maddox

Avon ( Not seen ): Well I called the ambulance. It's going to take them ten million light years to get here. by Luke Sutton

Tarrant: What do you mean that he wants to have an abortion? by Luke Sutton

Tarrant to Avon who is not seen: Avon I think you better draw the curtain this could get messy! by Luke Sutton

Tarrant: I think they call it a lobotomy! by Luke Sutton

Dayna to Tarrant: "Tell me again, how DID you manage to puncture your sex dummy in the eye socket?" by Steve R

Tarrant: I thought he was joking when he said he was about to have a baby! by Luke Sutton

Those darn chairs, they always break by Don

Tarrent: Really Avon did you have to tell him what the beeb are paying him? by shaza

Danya: Come on, now push, we can almost see the head by shaza

"Avon, did you have to tell Blake that we resurrected him for season 4?!!" by Kerroj

Tarrant: Slave, why has security been compromised like this! This man's wearing something colourful in Season Four! Send him back to Season Three immediately! by Bobster

Tarrent: Gee wiss Avon, why did you have to look him in the eye for!!!You scarred him to death!!!!! by Lechar

Tarrant:I'm sorry Avon, i didn't think my hair would have given him such a shock!!! by gina

Tarrant: How do you check for a pulse from a guy who has no neck? by Luke Sutton

Tarrant "See Avon , your friend`s not really dead !!!" Dayna "Quick Soolin , pull YOUR side , this plastic ruler`s about to fall out" by Magic Pebble

Damn, he had a heart attack by Don

Tarrant: I just asked the chap if he wanted to appear in the caption competition and he just fainted on me. by Luke Sutton

Tarrant: Didnt he just say that he came aboard to talk to us about a disease called narclepsy? by Luke Sutton

Tarrant: Poor chap. No only is he just a BBC extra but he also suffers with that narco sleepy disease. by Luke Sutton

Tarrant: But he's not dead yet. Avon: Jettyson his body anyway. by Luke Sutton

He's dead, Jim! by Roderick

Tarrant: Avon, quick, check the scanner and see who won the Presidental Election in the states. This poor fella just found out he voted for Bucanan not Gore. by Alice Lumpyhead

Tarrant: Avon, what in Gods name did you say to him? Avon: I told him if he did not tell us where Star One is, I would make him go on a date with Servalan. by Billy Threeshoes

Dana: Come on push, push. by Yolanda Squatpump

Tarrant: Poor bugger, he just found out he is Servalan's Father!!! by Seymor Butts

Tarrant: AVON! I was only kidding when I said to give him his medicine like the French do! by Iva Biggin

Tarrant: Vila! I told you not to break wind, you knew he had a good sence of smell. by Lechar

Tarrant: Poor Chap, he just found out he one a dream house, the only problem is it's on the planet Skaro. by Izzy

Soolin: Knock it off, this won't hurt a bit.... Avon and his crew deside to become space dentists. by Lechar

Avon(not seen): What the heck did you say so him!? Tarrent: Well.. all we said to him was that if he wouldn't talk to us he would have to talk to you. by Lechar

Tarrant: Avon we got the wrong guy. This is not Kernal Sanders. by Luke Sutton

Tarrant: You would never believe that this use to be Servalan. by Luke Sutton

Tarrant: I don't get it? I just mentioned to him how Dayna and Soolin were single and he passed out. by Luke Sutton

Soolin: Careful with that selotape Dayna, you don't want to pull his eyebrows off! by Bill

Tarrant: What do you mean we've missed Guy Fawkes Night, Avon? It's taken me all week just to stuff this one! by Mistress Tufty