August Competition
I liked this one because:
1. The silver people do look like hairdressers (!)
2. Blake always likes to know what's going on and so would have to watch closely, even if it's only his perm solution being formulated.
3. Hair jokes always amuse me :)

Silver man " If you'd like to take a seat sir your perm solution will be ready shortly" by Vidar Raven

Thanks to everyone for entering.

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Blake: Finally, you came! Man: What? Blake: ugh... never mind, just fix this machine. Woman: What? Blake: FIX THE MACHINE! Man and woman: What? Blake: Are you people stupid? Man: We are from the planit " Dumbass" and we plan to anul probe you. Blake: ...... by Sick Aliens

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BLAKE: Have my batteries recharged yet? by Currer

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"Okay so you want 5 colour copies, double-sided..." by Raff

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All Together: Your costume looks ridiculous! by Raff

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blake- aaah, great the new cookers arrived. i'm dying for a pot noodle. by caz

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blake- are you sure avon will fit in one of these? i mean i know he's a shortarse but... other- yes positive man blake- i'm not too good with new fangled machines, i just put him in the test tube and put him in her to cool off once in a while....... do you think he'll mind? by caz

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So, I mix the two tubes together, put it on my hair and I will never have to worry about curly hair again? I'll take it! by AmandaB

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Blake: (with sarcasm) Wow, you guys from the Props Department have really excelled yourselves this week! by Thomas a niMac

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SILVER WEIRDOES: These and other interestinly shaped red jam jars are all part of our hi tech computer. BLAKE: Cool what does it do? SILVER WEIRDOS: Err... by Al

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Rolf Harris (off screen): "Can you tell what it is yet??" by Fish

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BLAKE: I am sorry to barge in on you like this, reheating my soup in the middle of your redecorating. Yes, I think the new purple looks much better -- or is it the beige? by Manda Benson

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BLAKE: This bloody thing just swallowed my last five-credit! Now what am I going to put in the parking meter? by Manda Benson

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BLAKE: I say, this is a bit of an archaic cooker isn't it? SALESWOMAN: It's a kind of nostalgia model. SALESMAN: All mod cons. No expenses spared. Grill, hob, microwave compartment and barbecue-style oven. Oh, and its internal dimensions are greater than its external dimensions. Excellent value at 250 credits. BLAKE: I still think it looks old. Are you sure it isn't second hand? Look, there's congealed custard on the hob. SALESWOMAN: Do you want this cooker or what? BLAKE: I suppose it won't make any difference what it looks like, the things Vila cooks. I'll take it. SALESMAN: Very good. Shall I book a delivery? Do you wish to purchase an insurance policy for 10 credits extra? BLAKE: No, I don't think I'll bother. Have it dropped off in the largest crater of the smallest moon of the third planet in the Capella system and I'll see to it that it gets picked up. by Manda Benson

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BLAKE: Uh, hell, I think I just pressed the self destruct key by mistake... by Manda Benson

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After the Andromedan war, Blake decided to go back to teaching chemistry in one of the galaxy's less prestigious secondary schools... BLAKE: Look, if you mix together the two solutions, you should get a white precipitate and a clear liquid. What have you done to it? STUDENT: But sir, we did that sir, and it just came out all red! It wasn't our fault, sir, there's something wrong with it... by Jo Grant

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Narrator: It's been 10 years since Blake last fought with the Federation. Here he is in his new job, captain of the appliance department....lets listen in as blake attempts to sell the stores most popular item, the death ray microwave oven. Couple: Excuse me sir, does this item come in red. Blake singing: I'm to sexy for my ship, to sexy for my ship, I'm so cute, I'm so good looking. Couple: SIR, could you please stop singing and help us. Blake still singing: If you want to be happy for the rest of your life, get an ugly woman to be your wife, it is my personal point of view, get an ugly woman to marry you. Couple screaming: WILL YOU PLEASE STOP SINGING AND WAIT ON US YOU IDIOT!! Blake talking to couple: Hey lady, does your face hurt, it's killing me. He he he. Hey lady, you're so ugly you pick up a snake to beat a stick. He he ha ha he he. Hey lady, if my dog had a face like yours I'd shave his butt and make him walk backwards. Har har he he har har. Narrator: Well, I think we better leave Blake to his inasults. Poor bloke, never did get over the fact that Avon was better looking. by Alice Farkleberry

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Silver man: ok Blake if you do not get the mix for our cocktails just right then we are going to keep you imprisoned here for all eternity and let the Lord Avon take over!! by Daffy

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Novara: Ah Blake. We're very unhappy that Blake's 7 didn't make it into the Top 100 Kids shows the other night. So we intend to plug Jamie Theakston's nipples into these red sockets and... { Presses button and BANG!!!! ) by Martin

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blake..hey, do you two wanna hear somthin funny? couple..ummm, ok, tell us blake.. -FRUMP!!!- woman..discusting by super saiya-jin imp

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Blake: It's no good - I can't cook a Sunday roast without some BacoFoil. Hmn - I wonder where I can fine some of that shiney silver stuff - any ideas you two? The Couple: We'll get KFC instead. Blake: Wait! We could use your clothes! The couple: Big Mac and Fries is fine with us. Blake: I'll tear off the arm of your outfit, boil the carrots, butter the parsnips... The couple: Look - theres on of those ex-ambulance greasy kebab vans 100 spacels up, turn right.. Blake: No, no I'd enjoy a hearty sunday lunch - gosh I miss it, all those days in the BBC canteen, then on the Liberator - no I'm a Brussels sprout man! The couple: Emzi, you can't think of a punch line to end this caption, can you? Emzi: Er no. by Miss Emzi Restalez

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....And this week on Ready Steady Cook - Blake heads the green pepper team and The Federation are red tomatoes! On your marks... by Miss Restalez

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Blake: Look, I don't care how cheap it is, if it's not good enough for Doctor Who, then it's not good enough for me!! by Jon D.

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Blake: So this is the Federation's new bio-weapon - the Soda Stream. Impressive! Couple: Get busy with the fizzy. Blake: Where does the syrup go? by Gareth Lucas

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"..and then the milk goes in here, and you're ready to go!" by Dave B

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Tony Robinson (off camera): Today on Time Team the Geophysics boys are going to be using a new piece of equipment... by Slartibartfast

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And tonight's winning lottery numbers are... by Slartibartfast

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*tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick Blake: "Why is this clock thingy saying 4... 3... 2.. 1...? Oh sh--" by mission pants

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Blake: Call this a disco? Even the light show's not working. by Martin

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Novara "Yes Blake we're sure jenna's sample is positive. Would you like to sit down you've gone all pale" by Vidar raven

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BLAKE " And this really IS Cally`s old test tube ? That explains the word PYREX on her bum !" by THE DOCTOR ALT 8

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BLAKE : " So, you two claim to be Cally`s perants... and this tube on the right`s the one she grew up in? Get out of here ! I know for a fact the serieal numbers tatooed on her ass don`t match up.... " by THE DOCTOR ALT 8

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BLAKE : " You`re the lousyest party caterers I`ve EVER encountered... by THE DOCTOR ALT 8

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BLAKE " So, you claim that if I add just two drops of this liquid to Avon`s coffee every day it`ll solve his attitude problems.... OOOHHHH . Let me try it out now... " by THE DOCTOR ALT 8

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BLAKE " listern guy`s, we`re not interested in a replacement for Zen." by THE DOCTOR ALT 8

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NOVARA : You fiend, Blake ! You`ve just blended our goldfish !" by THE DOCTOR ALT 8

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"So you're the cooker man" by entelzsar

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"So you're the cooker man" by entelzsar

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Blake: "Was that 2 Big Mac's and a large Fries to go? by andrewbevan@hotmail.com

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Blake: So how much will you give me as a trade in for ORAC? Silver Dude: mmmmm, he's an old model, not much call for them nowadays. by Bob Cruden

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Does anyone know which button to press for cappucino? by Bob Cruden

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blake.. al you have to do is move the paddles like so, and then the bat moves, the idea is to keep the ball in play for as long as possible bloke.. i see, so is this machine better than the PS2? blake.. of course, you cant get better than a classic gaming platform. BIP...BIP...BIPP.......BOOOW!! blake.. damn, can you lend me another 10p?. by super saiya-jin imp

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Time for Telletubbies!!! by Dave Williams

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You see Blake this is BBC's new ratings calculator. It determines which shows we will fund and which we will provide basically nothing to and see if they sink or swim. Blake: hmmm. Better not let Avon near it. Silver Dude: Does he wear black leather? Blake: Oh no. Too late!!! by James

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Blake tellng jokes: My parents moved alot when I was a kid but I always managed to find them. A horse goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender looks at the horse and says "why the long face". How many Mutoids does it take to screw in a light bulb? Couple: I don't know, how many? Blake: Three, one two hold the bulb and two to turn the ladder. How come they took so long? Couple: I don't know, how come? Blake: They went the wrong way! Ha Ha Ha He He Ha Ha Ha Couple praying: Please God, strike this idiot dead...pleaseeeeee! Blake: Your mama's so fat , she strikes oil when she wears high heels. Couple: Excuse me but we just wanted to know if this model comes in green? Blake: I'm sorry I don't know. I only work here part time. My real job is telling jokes as "Blake the Chubby Freedom Fighter Comic". You can see me every night, Monday thru Sunday at "The Stinky Space Ship" bar and grill. by Tony Toenails

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Blake (to himself): "Intergalactic conning is easy. It's only a loose connection, but I'll tell 'em they need a brand new cooker, then sell this one on to another mug!" by Fishsta

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Silver Dude: if you want to join us then you have to pass this iniatiion test. You have to figure out how to operate this machine so that it produces perfect coffee. Blake: ok here goes. Silver Dude (aside): if he gets this right we can finally start to drink real coffee, AND gain a waiter!!! by Jan

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Blake: So let me get this straight. You're telling me you can kill the whole species of Decimas by just pressing this one button?................oops by Matt

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Shop Assistant: Welcome to Dixons, Mr and Mrs Blair. I must say, the strains of Government appear to be getting to you both. by Martin

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Blake: How can I ever thank you enough? You freed us from the Web... Eddie: At an Improbability level of two to the power of two hundred and sixty seven thousand, one hundred and... Blake: Oh shut up. by Martin

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Blake: You dragged our ship eight hundred light years across space and trapped us in the web just cos you wanted your cooker fixed? by Martin

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Geela: Behold, our new invention. Blake: Good God, what is it? Novara: It's a machine which produces eye-drops for mad staring eyes. by Martin

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Blake: Orac, this steroid treatment they're giving you has gone on long enough. by Martin

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BLAKE: Er, there's a section out of a submarine here, look. SILVER WEIRDOS: Yeah, that's showing it can opertae under water. BLAKE: Who wants coffee under water? by Currer

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BLAKE: So, this is an amazingly important machine that will scramble all of the Federation computers and we will be able to defeat them all? SILVER WEIDROS: Yes. BLAKE: Weren't you trying to sell me a coffee machine before? by Currer

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COFFEE MACHINE: Look, will all of you get your hands off of me?! by Currer

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BLAKE: So, this coffee machine, right...? It's COFFEE it makes isn't it? SILVER WEIRDOS: Yess! We drank it all our lives and look at us! BLAKE: I am looking at you. That's why I'm asking. by Currer

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Blake: Finaly! you people are late by 10 minuets! People: SORRY! Trafic was heavy! Blake: TRAFIC WAS HEAVY!! IT IS OPEN SPACE, HOW CAN YOU GET STOUK IN TRAFIC! People: ........ by mickeydoodles

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blake..so, now we have had ORAC upgraded, will his modem be 33.3K or 56k? man... 56K sir. blake.. and will i be able to maintain a high speed connection whilst downloading several things at once?. man.. i guess so. blake.. so i can download anything, and the internal virus screen will stop me from getting viruses?. man.. ummmm..... blake.. also, will i be able to host mulltiplayer games of 'mech warrior 4 without having to upgrade further. man.. oh for gods sake, i hate these computer geeks. by super saiya-jin imp

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Blake: Pleased to meet you, Novara... say, that's an unusually big hand you've got there. by Martin

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Of course after the Liberator blew up, being the enterprising sort, Blake recycled the scrap metal into state of the art cookers to sell to unsuspecting alien types down at his local Currys... by Anna Grant

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blake: so this machine makes servalan's fav' buns? man:Yes. blake:I must try one. man:ok blake:(spiting out the bun)OW!! shes got funny taste! We had these at school! But we called them cricket balls!! by Vila-fan

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Nervana: "So as you can see, Blake... those old Doctor Who props still have their uses!" by cmdahms

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Blake: I asked for two 99s not two ice lollies!!! by Tuatha de Danaan

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blake..do you mind if i put some music on? man.. no, go ahead, it may liven this party up a bit. woman.. blake, do you want to dance? blake.. umm, 2 minutes..... man.. whats wrong? blake.. aww for christs sakes, i hate these new fangled cd players, hold on, ill go and fetch my record player..... by super saiya-jin imp

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Blake: Here we have a juice machine with a complet do it your self hand crank... Woman to man: Who dose this guy think he is. There is no way that I am cranking juice, how primitive! Man to woman: Well, what do you exspect for a 50 credits! Blake: Plus, as an added bonus, you can use this machine as a workout for youre arms, you see. by mickeydoodles

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Blake: And this my friends is our new superweapon against the Federation which will reduce them all to mewling kittens. HA HA HA HAAAA! Silver Man 1: Really, and you`ve tried this out? Blake: Not personally, but it defeated the daleks last week and next week it`s going to be installed in Moonbase Alpha. by The Game

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Blake: You want me to insert those in where...? Dr: It'll only hurt a bit... nurse where's the lubrication... by avons7

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The salespeople convinced Blake that if he wanted to win the 'Beauty of the Ball' event this year... THIS costume had to be the one! by cmdahms

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BLAKE; " But why can`t I have an ice lolly mum ?" by THE DOCTOR ALT 8

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BLOKE; " Excuse me but why are you calling our VEND-O-Matic Orac and swearing ? by THE DOCTOR ALT 8

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BLAKE " Excuse me, but my hand appears to be stuck." Novara " Yes, we know. We glued it there." Blake. " Why ?" Novara " Cause we saw you trying to steel money from our funky charity collection box. Shame on you !" by THE DOCTOR ALT 8

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THE TWO SILVER-CLAD PEOPLE are pleased to inform Blake that his attemps to get free coffee buy tumping, kicking and swearing at their machine has been filmed and broadcast thoughout the galexy on their " Candied Security Camera Show...." by THE DOCTOR ALT 8

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Silver woman " So you see Blake having discovered the scret of turning base metals it liquid red,we can now fund your revolution" by Vidar Raven

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BLAKE: Look, how much caffiene did you give him? SILVER WEIRDO: Er... not very much? BLAKE: Okay, okay, it was Avon's fault, reckoning you couldn't make pure caffiene. If we ignore him maybe he'll stop. <THEY TRY THIS> BLAKE: No, well, guys, can you keep him here, only if he sees Cally something horrible may happen on the flight deck. by Currer

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BLAKE: So, you'll remove the web if I give you some decent food to cook and a copy of "Delia Smith"? SILVER WEIRDO: Yeah, we're sick of eating these bloody tube things. by Currer

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Blake: Hey you two, do you know what this is? Couple: Yes it's an orgazam machine. Blake: Cool, I think I'll buy it for Avon....maybe it will take his mind off of making a fool out me. I hate it when he does that, and always when I try to score with Jenna. How would he like it if every time he tried to kiss Jenna I was there making OINK OINK sounds and yelling "Here Piggy Piggy, Soo Eee, Soo Eee. Couple wispering to each other: Fred, go get security before this idiot kills us. by Bumpy The Clown Slayer

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Blake " Well you say this turns water into red wine? I'm sure Villa will be interested." by Vidar Raven

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After a long and frustrating career as a Freedom Fighter Blake spends his time planting flowers and selling appliances. Here we see Blake hard at work trying to sell a stove to a couple. by IZZY

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sorry did i wake you up .all i did was to turn this one and terry wogan came on singing by kencope44

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I tell you , I won 5000 credits on one of these things last week and that was without any cherries ........Must have been all ya nuts then by Magic Pebble

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Blake: Yeah, Lawrence-Lewellyen Bowen came round with his crew removed Orac which he said was "so last season" and installed this as a "talking point". I want you to to hunt him down and when you catch him..... by The Game

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Blake: And here we have the Spanglatron 5000 series model D food dispenser. It can produce any food stuff you like by the recombination of it`s constituent atoms, which are stored in separate hermetically sealed units to the rear. These atoms are mixed together in the two cyclotronic condenser units you see here and is then dispensed underneath on a pre-heated corrosion proof aluminium/titanium alloy tray. The model D can easily be upgraded to the model E which does drinks as well by application of two empty pie trays, an old washing-up liquid bottle and some sticky-back plastic. by The Game

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Silver people:what do you reckon then ? Blake: Looks like late 1970s - maybe 1978 or 1979. by Antiques Roadshow

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Now, which button do I press if I want extra milk? by Steve Rogerson

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Nervana: "We bought it second hand from this toothy git with a long scarf... he reckoned the chameleon circuit needed some work." by cmdahms

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Blake: You want a WHAT sample??!! by zyd

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IF there was one thing Blake hated more than the Federation.. It was being asked to sample things while he was trying to do the weekly grocery shopping... by THE DOCTOR ALT 8

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A FUTURITIC EXAMPLE OF " WATER COOLER " TALK....... Bloke " Well, you`ve met Servalan. Is she as small as everyone claims ?" Blake " Smaller, in fact. once you take her high heels off. She only comes up to my waist." by THE DOCTOR ALT 8

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Blake: ok, you guys are looking a bit pale. Feeling under the weather? How about I mix up some drinks to put the colour back in those silver cheaks? by James

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Ok, if you want to join us then you have to skull these two drinks in less than 5 seconds. Ready? by James

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if i stay in this position long enough i may finally get cramp by meeky

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no no no, this is how you tell the time by meeky

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Blake: What do you mean this only takes pound coins by meeky

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Blake; " I don`t care how much good it`ll do for the Feng Shui of the Liberator. I`m NOT paying 10,000 credits for this wreched water fountian !" by THE DOCTOR ALT 8

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Bloke. " And this is the hole-ist of holys ! See the two mricale tubes of M`clacking-BaBooo . Pick them up, shake them, and SNOW falls ." by THE DOCTOR ALT 8

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To hide itself from the dept collectors, Orac disguses itself as a juice despencer . by THE DOCTOR ALT 8

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Two strange looking people approch Gareth Thomas while filmin B. 7,,,,, " What do ypu think of our revoltionary desing for orac ?" by THE DPCTOR ALT 8

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Blake: So, it's gas mark 4 for 20 mins yes? by Mistress Tufty

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BLAKE: So, in return for removing the web, we have to give you some food? WEIRD GUY: Yes, we're sick of eating these bloody tube things. by Currer

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Blake " You say just two tubes of this and we'll half our fuel cost's ?" by Vidar Raven

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Blake " Thank you but I don't think we'll paint the Liberator red after all" by Vidar Raven

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"We watched an episode of Blue Peter the other day, and this is what we came up with." by Simon

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Oh mighty computer, what is the answer ? "FOURTY TWO!" by Simon

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BLAKE: Well I couldn't get channel 5 on my own doorstep, so I've no chance out here!! by Paul Kinnear

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So Blake, just HOW did you get your fingers caughts in this vending machine...? by Scotty

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"You bastards! You've turned Orac into a coffee machine... Oh hell, I was wanting a mocca anyway..." by Roderick

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Blake:"...and this here is the top of the line Intel pentium 58, complete with multimedia capabilities and 2 red flashing lights" When not fighting evil, Blake enjoyed making a quick buck selling his shoddy computer goods. by Matt

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"....and this button here starts the spin cycle" by Matt

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Blake : "err guys, are you really that dense?, how much did you say you paid for this state of the art DVD player" Silver guy: "we paid 10,000 credits.. the man said it would never be released commercially and it was a snip as it was a prototype!" Blake: "Im not suprised it wont ever be released, its a double sodastream machine, not a DVD player" Silver woman: "That explains why we could find the slot for the Disk" by Paul Maddox

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As you can see Microsofts new X box is nearly ready, we just need to cram a PS2 into it, and double the price. by Lee

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Blake; No, you wrap the chicken in tinfoil to be put in the microwave, not you! by Ewan

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Blake "Right, my enema is in place... you two next" by KiwiJoe

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Mr and Mrs Smith of 6 Acacia Avenue proudly show off their new fangle, state of the art, technically advanced electrical stove oven... by cmdahms

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Right, so this how you make the intergalatic freedom fighter's cocktail. by James

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Blake has an unfortunate encounter with fans as he waits for " Teleport !" " Go On, Mr. Blake !" cries the man. " Let me have a go on your teleport braclet." Girl " Can you get me Avons autogragh ?" Blake No, Go away ! Can`t you see I`m buzy ?" Bloke " Well, can I join your crew ? I`d be dead good as a reble honest !" Blake " Leave me alone !" Girl " But what about Avon`s autogragh ?" Bloke " Well, give us a go with your gun !" Blake " No. Now SOD OFF . It`s people like you who make me wonder wether I should just let the Federation get on with surpressing IDIOTS LIKE YOU !" Bloke & Girl " OH ! How rude ! Just `cause you`ve got a fancy ship and run round the galaxy blowing things up and laying your life on the line on a daliy basis to fight for a better life for all of us does NOT entital you to speack to us like that ! ...." Blake to himself teleport me no, someone. anyone PLEASE, before I kill these two...." by THE DOCTOR ALT 8

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" Take two tubes into the shower ? Not me." Replied Blake, " I just wash`n`go !" by THE DOCTOR ALT 8

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BLAKE : " Arn`t those tubes a bit big for urine samples ?" by THE DOCTOR ALT 8

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" What do you think of original DAMIAN HUST ? In each of these tubes are the disected remains of one hundred fleas !" by THE DOCTOR ALT 8

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Look, we aren't a Starbucks, these aren't large coffees and you aren't helping! by Jessica Miskin

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Blake : " No, I haven`t got change for the coffee machine !" by THE DOCTOR ALT 8

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" I`m sorry Mr. Blake but no matter what we try we still can`t get it to make Capachino " by THE DOCTOR ALT 8

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Blake "Make mine black with two sugars " by Vidr Raven

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Blake:So this is the new state of the art projector television by Simon